Goodbye, Ohio....Hello, Indiana!

Well, the movers just left with almost all of our possessions, and they're heading to Indiana, where we'll meet them in the morning at our new home. We won't have Internet access right away there, so it may be a little while before I post again. Have a great weekend, everyone! I'll see ya when I see ya.
Best to you all,
Amanda

5. Try to create a support system of friends and family. It'll be one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

I think it's a little apropos that I'm discussing this "rule to live by" today. Last night, I spent two and a half hours with the mommies in my son's play group, having the time of my life! We decided around the beginning of the year or so that we would set aside one night each month for "Moms' Night Out". It turned out to be the Best. Idea. Ever. We'd leave our babies with their daddies and try out a new restaurant each month. During these nights out, I discovered how much I really liked sushi, Thai cuisine, and teas from around the world. I also discovered how much I needed this support system of other women in my life. It's been over a year ago, I think, since I received a response to a question I asked on Mamasource.com. This is a great resource for moms and dads, by the way. Pediatricians are great resources on babies, too, but sometimes, you need the advice that only another mom can give you. Anyway, I received a message from one of the moms in this play group asking if I wanted to join them. I think my son was about 8 months old at the time, and when I read the invitation, I was a little scared to meet new people (who might judge my abilities as a mother! OH, NO!), but I took a chance and decided to do it. My son really hadn't had much contact with other children before that time because, though he has several older cousins, they all live a state away and we just hadn't been able to visit them as much. So, while thinking I was doing a great thing for my son by allowing him time around other children, I didn't realize that I was doing a better thing for me. The mommies in this group are all just incredible. Every one of them is unique in her own way, and each mommy brings something different to the group. We've bounced ideas off of each other, given advice on what's worked for us in all aspects of life, and allowed each other to vent about what's going on at home. It's been a release for all of us, and a chance for our kids to grow up together. We've truly seen some of the babies go from just lying there, to crawling, then walking, and finally, running! And, that's not just my own son, either! ;) However, I don't think I would have made it through his decidedly late walking stage without the support of my fellow mommies. To have them celebrate his first steps on his own at 18 months old made me feel so proud to be his mommy. V and I tried to meet up with them every week, and when we couldn't go to play group, I always felt sad and as though we were missing the most important part of the day. And, many weeks, it really was that important to us! After awhile, play group expanded to include mini field trips to the local children's museum, apple orchards, pumpkin patches, and the zoo. V has really learned a lot about playing with other kids and the world around him just by being in this group. And, I've learned a lot about being able to rely on other people and ask them for help when I need it the most. This was very difficult for me at first because with B's demanding schedule at work, I learned to be so self-reliant. However, I realized that I just couldn't do it all on my own. And, luckily, I had found a group of other mommies in pretty much the same boat! We've become each others' friends, confidantes, and babysitters. I will really miss all of the times we've spent together, whether at play group each Wednesday morning, or at our once a month dinner "dates". However, as one of the mommies said in an e-mail today, it's not "good-bye", but "so long". There will be so many opportunities in the future to see them all again. Also, after B, V, and I move, we'll be able to see long-time friends and our families more often because we'll be living much closer to them. Living four hours away from my family made me realize how much I missed them, especially when I had my son. Luckily, he was born by a scheduled C-section, and everyone was able to make it to the hospital in plenty of time to see him come into the world. However, after that, our visits with them were very few and far between, and there's only so much that cell phones and e-mail can do for relationships. My parents are so excited to have us coming back to our home state, and I know my in-laws feel the same way. They'll really be able to share in V's growth and development in a more personal way, rather than just through monthly e-mails full of pictures I've taken. My sister and I have also grown much closer because of our shared experiences in motherhood, so I think being physically closer will help that relationship flourish even more. Hopefully, it will do the same for my relationship with my brother, who is the parent of a toddler, too. Finally, because I took the chance to meet new people here in Ohio, I'll feel more comfortable reaching out and meeting people in my new city in Indiana. After all, it will be just as important to have that support system there, as it has been having it here.
Thanks, Play Group Mommies, for all you've done for us! V and I love you all!
Best to you,
Amanda

4. Take time to care for your relationship with your spouse and your family.

Making sure you're taking care of your family relationships is easier said than done, especially if your spouse is in the medical field. The long and erratic hours as well as call schedules at the hospital can make it difficult to have some quality "Mommy and Daddy" time. Be prepared for your physician spouse to come home dead tired, wanting nothing but dinner and sleep. And, for me personally, out of all of his rotations, my husband's night float rotations were the absolute worst! He'd work four nights a week, and have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. However, every weekday and most of his weekends at home were spent sleeping to keep his body on his nighttime work schedule. When I worked full-time, we usually wouldn't see each other until Friday evening, and our weekends were usually spent doing separate things (him sleeping, me doing chores or other things). After I had our son and became a stay-at-home-mom, B had a night float rotation that was scheduled soon after V was born. That was an absolute nightmare of a month. We had been having a difficult time getting our very young son to sleep at night, which meant hubby and I weren't getting much sleep, either. B would come home from work each morning during night float and go straight to bed, so even though he was home, he really couldn't help care for our baby. I really looked forward to the weekends that month, when he could take care of V throughout the night while I got some much needed rest. Luckily, we made it through that month and sort of managed a sleep schedule for our son, though it's still very late when he finally falls asleep. And, unfortunately, my husband and I still go to bed at different times each night. That's something we're hoping to change once he starts practicing in our new city. I think we'll really feel like we're a couple again once we get on the same bedtime schedule and (hopefully) get our son to sleep in his own bed! Something we've found that has really helped our relationship is having a group of reliable babysitters. I'll speak more about asking for help, later. I will say that it was harder for us to ask for help, I think, because our families are a state away and so, not as easily accessible for child care. However, once I learned that our son was perfectly fine with other respected adults outside of the family circle (a fear I think many new parents have), I truly realized how important (and how fun) it was to have time alone with my hubby at the movies or at the theater or at a restaurant or wherever. And, I must say that the spontaneity of scheduling this alone time can be just as fun as the time spent together! Usually, our plans have been last minute, so it's been very nice to have such understanding friends. Last December, we took our alone time to new heights by flying to Las Vegas for a few days. We were technically there for a medical conference, but this was the first time we'd gone on an actual trip without our son. He stayed with grandparents and an aunt and uncle, and I think he had as much fun without us as we had without him. Not only did my husband and I get quality time together in between his scheduled conference lectures, but I also got some quality time for myself at the hotel's spa and in the local shopping malls! ;) I was so happy to see my little guy once we returned from our trip, but I also had a great time feeling as though B and I were in "date" mode again. I never knew I missed that aspect of our relationship until we went such a long time without doing anything special that involved just the two of us. I've also learned how important it is for my husband to have quality time with our son. I think the beginning of fatherhood was kind of difficult for him, especially when he had that night float month. It's hard, I'm sure, coming home tired from his work at the hospital and trying to be "in the moment" with V. Of course, young babies aren't always the most fun to be around, since the extent of their skills is eating, sleeping, crying, peeing, and pooping. However, I've noticed that as V has grown older, his and B's relationship has become closer. V's really starting to show separation anxiety whenever B leaves to go to work or to run errands. And, when their together, I really see that special father/son bond. It makes me happy to know that, though his work with patients is very important, my husband's relationship with his family is even more important to him. We haven't had a family vacation in a long time that doesn't involve B working too, but that will be remedied at the beginning of July when we'll be taking a road trip to Myrtle Beach with my in-laws. I can't wait! It'll be V's first extended time on a beach and near the ocean. And, it'll be some true quality time for me with both my son and my hubby. Just thinking about it reminds me of how good I have it in life!
Best to you all,
Amanda

8 Ways To Be A Happier Mom...

Before I go to bed, I want to share this link sent to me by a fellow mommy. I think much of the article reiterates what I'm trying to say in my own blog. It's very informative and gives some great tips on how to be happier in life with children. Oh, and it applies to dads, too. And, it applies to everyone, regardless of your spouse's career. Click on the title of this post to get to the article at CNN.com. And, now, as my favorite fantasy author, Neil Gaiman, ends some of his posts, bed.
Best to you all,
Amanda

3. Take time to care for yourself.

Taking care of oneself is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, especially if you're like me and more apt to take care of everyone else first! After B and I moved here, we became friends with a couple who, to me, seemed to have the whole life thing down pat. When I was having a particularly stressful period, they got me in touch with a wonderful woman, who, through her unraveling sessions (a combination of several different healing methodologies), helped me see that I needed to slow down and take a little time to care for myself. I actually had an epiphany at one point. You know how on airplanes, when they go through their safety measures in case of an accident, they tell people to put on their own oxygen masks first before helping others with their masks? The same holds true for every day life. A person really needs to make sure he/she has enough "oxygen" in life before he/she can really be responsible for the "oxygen" of those he/she loves. I've found that this applies more and more to my job as a wife and mother. If I don't get enough sleep the night before, I feel like I'm just going through the motions the following day, and this is so unfair to my family. Also, if I find myself eating way too much junk food, my body seems to want to just slow down or stop completely, and I feel sluggish and don't want to do anything worthwhile. If I haven't been able to get outside and move around for a while, I get really cranky, which isn't a good situation for myself or my family. So, it's really all about staying motivated to keep myself healthy, which in turn keeps me happy, which in turn keeps my family happy. Unfortunately, I haven't been doing a great job of it, lately. My sleep schedule is off because our son would rather sleep with us in our bed (something he's done since the day he was born) than sleep in his own crib, which is something we've been trying to work on before we move into a bigger house. The whole experience of trying to sell our current home and move into a new one has stressed me to the max, which is also a big contribution to my current unhealthy lifestyle. I've really been craving sweets and caffeine, so all of the jitteriness caused by both has made me irritable and unmotivated to do the things that I need to do. I've found out that our new city has a terrific Y with lots of programs for adults and kids, so I'm hoping that once we're settled in our new house, I'll be able to start a regular weekly exercise routine. Also, there will be a lot of opportunities to buy healthy, local foods, which will help keep my whole family feeling good. Finally, B's work schedule is supposed to be a little more consistent in his new office, so hopefully, our sleep schedules will become consistent, too. I'm just really looking forward to feeling more relaxed and more like a better mommy for my son and a better wife for my husband. And, the opportunity for doing that is getting closer everyday!

And Now, We Break From Our Regularly Scheduled Posting...

Just wanted to send a huge shout out to all of you dads out there! V and I took B out for breakfast this morning, partly for Father's Day, but mostly because there was a very early showing of our house. We're trying to get the house sold in our current city before we move to our new one, but it looks like we may have to deal with two mortgages for a while, unless the house gets sold some time this week. We have another showing happening this afternoon that got scheduled right after breakfast, which might be promising! Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we? It would be a great present for B for Father's Day. So far, he's received a strawberry pie (his favorite) that was made using fresh strawberries from the local farmer's market. I'm also working on a chain maille dice bag for him. Yeah...because that's how geeky he and I truly are! I just started it yesterday, and it's going to take longer than I thought it would. It'll be a late Father's Day gift, but that's okay, because I didn't get my Mother's Day gift until a couple of weeks after the holiday, so we'll be even! I'll post pictures when I get the dice bag done. Anyway, I hope all of you other fathers out there have a great day! You're all very special to us mommies, wives, sisters, and daughters! We love you! HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!!

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate! It's the key to a good marriage.

Communication really is the key to a good marriage, or to any good relationship for that matter. I think it's interesting, though, what we choose to communicate to each other. I'm perfectly fine with relaying the most mundane aspects of my day to my husband, but I sometimes have a hard time asking him to do something for me, no matter how small a task and how easily it can be done. It's difficult because I've learned to become so self-reliant lately, and I feel that I shouldn't have to ask him to do something if I can do it myself. Then, when I don't ask him, and I realize I can't do it on my own, I get mad at myself for not communicating my needs and mad at him for not just reading my mind and knowing my needs in the first place. Of course, that's just irrational thinking on my part, but how many of us women really DO think our husbands should have ESP and know exactly what we want when we want it without us having to say a word? Come on, wives! You know who you are! ;) I remember, too, when we first met in college, and how we would talk about everything! After being together for so long, there have been some evenings in which I've spent hours surfing the net or reading a book, he's spent hours playing his video games or studying, and we've barely said two words to each other. I think we've just become comfortable with our lifestyle and feel that not much has to be said anymore. Also, I know that he needs his evenings to de-stress from his work at the hospital, and me talking his ear off all evening does not help him to relax. It is important, though, that communication happens at some point, or things can get really hairy! For example, this past Christmas, we had a difficult time trying to come up with a plan for our holiday get-togethers with our separate families. Both of our families live several hours away from us, and it keeps getting harder to try to coordinate seeing everyone over the holidays, especially when B has to be on-call at the hospital. Anyway, he ended up telling his parents that we would be doing one thing, while I told my parents we would be doing almost the complete opposite! I think there were hurt feelings on both sides of the fence, and things only really worked out when the weather got bad in our state, and we had to change our plans anyway. We were able to see everyone over Christmas, and we had a pretty good time (despite the stomach flu that made the rounds in our household). However, we learned from our experience that my husband and I need to discuss our plans with each other before communicating them to other people. This may seem like a no-brainer to most people, but because of the nature of his job, my husband can put in AT LEAST 80 hours of work in ONE WEEK with him being absent from home at least one night in that week. In the past couple of years, those hours have included him working a full day at one hospital (starting at around 6:00 am), coming home for maybe a half an hour (if at all), then moonlighting a night shift at another hospital. If he moonlighted on a weekday, he would immediately have to leave that hospital in the morning to start another day at his regular "job site". There were instances when we wouldn't see each other until after a 30 hour period or so. Many times, he wouldn't be able to call me or e-mail me from work because his job could get extremely busy. Surgeries sometimes take longer than doctors think they should, and babies can come into the world at any time. So, with all of this going on, it could be hard for us to discuss the more normal, everyday things, let alone the important stuff. Once he starts working at his new practice, we won't have to worry about him moonlighting somewhere else once or twice a month. And, he'll only be on-call every so many nights in a month, so we won't have to worry about him having to deliver babies every night of the week. It'll be interesting to see how our communication patterns change, if at all, when we move to our new city. And, I can't believe that move is taking place in a week from tomorrow! Have a great weekend, everyone, and we'll catch up in the next post.
Best to you all,
Amanda

1. Change can be very scary, but it can also be very good for you!

As I write this, my husband and I are about to embark on another life-changing adventure--a move back to our home state and the beginning of a brand new career (for my husband). This will be our fourth move to a new city in almost seven years of marriage, and I will admit that it is still scary to me! I've always hated change, especially big life changes, but these past four years have really helped me to learn how to embrace change and accept it as part of the journey. My mom's favorite saying, which was recently quoted by my favorite author/blogger/actor/geek Wil Wheaton, is "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." And, ain't that the truth! Nowhere in my life was this more applicable than on the day my husband matched to his current residency program. During his last year of medical school, we had talked about our future plans--the house we were going to buy, the children we would have, etc. We were absolutely certain that he would get his first choice of residency programs, which just happened to be his medical school alma mater. What a surprise for both us when he not only DIDN'T get into his first choice, but he got into his second choice, which happened to be the program farthest away from our families and friends in another state in a city that we'd never been to except for his residency interview. I will not mince words here. I cried. I was extremely disappointed. Not only would we have to move all over again, but we would be far away from the ones we love and from our well made future plans. At this point in the story, I would like to complain about the process that is known as "matching to medical residency programs." However, I think that would take more time than I have right now, so I'll leave it for a future post. Can I just ask, though, if anyone else thinks it's a rather arbitrary system, or is there some logical reasoning behind the whole fact that basically a computer program tells the medical students where they'll be going for the next 3+ years of their lives? One thing I shouldn't complain about though is that B did get into his second choice, which is far and away better than some of his classmates, who didn't even match to a program ranked in their top five favorite residencies. Anyway, I digress. After B had announced his future residency to his fellow classmates at the Match Day luncheon, and we'd had some time to tell our families and friends the news, I went to the restrooom to wash up a bit and settle down. As I was at the sink, I was met by the wife of one of B's classmates. She and I had become friendly, especially at parties, over the course of our husband's schooling, and I really valued her opinions at the time. When I told her about our future move, she was actually very excited for us and our new adventure, as she called it. And then, I realized how blessed I was to have such a change in my life, which really wasn't as bad I as I thought it was going to be. Here was this young woman who was very happy for me, who had spent a lot of time getting used to her own life changes because she had just moved from her home country of Great Britain to the United States to be with her husband as he finished medical school and started residency in a very competitive field. Not only had she moved VERY far away from her family and friends, but she was also going to be moving again with her husband to another state, where she would have to get a new job, make new friends, etc. And she was excited about it, too! I think it was her attitude that really changed mine. By that afternoon at an end-of-the-school-year party, I was happy and excited and ready to face the unknown. Again, I will not mince words here. I was still very frightened. The whole aspect of moving to a new city AND buying our first home was scary and stressful. However, we made it through that just fine. Then, I found out I'm allergic to bees just four days after we moved. Again, we got through that. I got a new job, started making new friends, learned my way around our new city, and began feeling more comfortable with my surroundings. It was still hard to be away from our families, but that's what cell phones and e-mail are for. Also, I had to remind myself that they were not SO very far away that we couldn't drive a few hours to spend time with them. And, I think we knew in our heads that after B finished residency, there would always be the opportunity to go back, which is exactly what we'll be doing in just a couple of weekends. Again, it's exciting and scary and stressful, but I think I'll be able to handle it because I'm a better person for the changes made (within me as well as around me) over the past few years. Not the least of which is my 2-year-old son. But, I'll save that for another post. Hope to see you there!
Best to you all,
Amanda

What I've Learned Along The Way: Part II

As I stated in the previous post, here's a list of things that I've learned during the past four years of my husband's residency (and the past seven years of marriage). I'll try to expand upon each one in subsequent posts.

1. Change can be very scary, but it can also be very good for you!
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate! It's the key to a good marriage (and to any good relationship).
3. Take time to care for yourself.
4. Take time to care for your relationship with your spouse and your family.
5. Try to create a support system of friends and family. It'll be one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
6. Your spouse will be working long hours, and many times, he/she will be working overnight and into the next day. Netflix and the Internet are your friends!
7. Find a new creative outlet or hobby.
8. After counting your responsibilities, try counting your blessings, too! (This one is still a hard one for me.)
9. There will be times when you'll feel like a married single parent. You're not alone.
10. In the end, it's all worth it! :)

This is definitely not a comprehensive list, but I think these are the essentials for me. Also, I think you don't have to be married to a physician to relate to at least one thing on the list. I'll see you in the next post!
Best to all,
Amanda

What I've Learned Along The Way: Part I (with a Disclaimer)

My plan for this blog at first is to share what I've learned during my husband's four years of residency, both about myself and about the residency job in general. Remember, residency really IS a job. As soon as a medical student graduates from medical school, he or she is no longer a student, but an M.D. without the specific training for his/her preferred field. I in no way want to diminish the importance of medical school, since many people marry during this critical time in life, just as my husband and I did. However, personally, it's been over four years since my husband was a student, and after caring for a baby as well as for my husband and my home, I've forgotten some of the events of our first three years of marriage. I do remember that it was a difficult, time-consuming four years for my husband, filled with studying and exams with lots of opportunities for fun scattered throughout. However, I also remember that I worked full-time when he was in school and spent many a late evening at my office job, so we kind of balanced each other out when it came to working long hours. Since residency is a more recent occurrence for my husband and myself, I will focus more on it's impact in our lives. First, a disclaimer: Every residency program is different, just as every man and woman is different. The things I'll be discussing in the following posts will not apply to everyone. However, I feel I've spoken to enough physician spouses to discover that there are similarities between our situations. If you are the spouse of a physician, or even the spouse of someone with a career that takes them away from home and family for most of the week, then please feel free to chime in in the comments section with your thoughts, either here or in future posts. I would like this blog to be both an "advice column" (using the term "advice" very loosely, since I feel I'm not qualified to advise most people on anything) as well as a discussion forum for peoples' thoughts, feelings, and own revelations concerning their personal situations.
So, shall we begin? In my next blog post, I hope to list the specific things I've learned while traveling with my husband through the journey that is residency. I will be using the metaphor of "a journey" a lot in my blog, I think. Because, really, what is life, but a journey with our loved ones? Hope to see you along the way!
Best to you all,
Amanda

Welcome To My World!

Hello, dear reader!
My name is Amanda, and as the title of my blog suggests, I am married to a medical doctor. My husband, B, and I will have been married seven years this August, but we've been together for almost 12. 12 years is also the same amount of time it has taken my husband to study and train for his career. In fact, next Friday will be the last day of his four year residency in obstetrics and gynecology. And, near the end of this July, he will begin practicing medicine as a general OB/GYN. Lately, it has seemed as though my most repetitive phrase has been, "Wow! It's gone by so fast!"
Really, though, it's been a long, sometimes difficult journey, not only for my husband, but also for myself and our almost 2-year-old son, V. Recently, I began searching the Internet for resources for spouses of physicians. I wanted to find other women and men who are, like me, living within a loving and caring, but, sometimes, lonely relationship with someone very dedicated to his/her career. I wanted to know what those spouses do to make life a little easier and better for themselves and their families. Unfortunately, my research hasn't found much of anything at all, at least, nothing that speaks personally to me. I've been thinking about starting my own blog for some time, but I didn't want to do just a personal blog about myself and my family. I wanted to do something that could reach out to others in the same position as I am, right now. So, dear reader, I give you my blog that I will unofficially entitle "What It Is Like To Be Married To A Doctor, And How To Love It, Too". Welcome to my world! I hope you continue to join me and my family as we travel on this next journey in our lives.
Best to you all,
Amanda